I don't like Vegas. I've been five times. Only once did I have that "what happens here stays here" experience, due mostly to the fact that I was there with five incredibly attractive ladies (me being the oldest and most out of shape of the bunch).  Nearly everything was free and we ended up hanging out with a D-list soap star in the very cheesy/contemporary 80s-themed penthouse at the Riviera. Oops, that's probably the sort of thing that is supposed to stay there.

Anyhow, for one reason or another, I keep finding myself in Sin City, or as I like to think of it, an adult, Disney-themed desert mirage. I don't know what drives me the most crazy-- the freesia-perfume-meets-smoky-pool-hall scent that permeates through the high-end casinos, shelling out $5 for a cup of black coffee, or tourists who actually believe going to Paris: The Hotel is purrty much the same as visiting Paris: The City in France.

But I'm a glass half-full kind of gal. Sure, in Vegas it might be in the form of plastic souvenir yard glass reminiscent of college spring breaks in Cancun, but nevertheless, I always try to suss out the best of my surroundings. Over the next three weeks, I'll post my top hotel, restaurant and people-watching picks (both on and off the Strip) in AndrewZimmern.com's Best of Vegas feature. 

Best Hotels

On The Strip: The Wynn

The Wynn is huge. It's ostentatious, beautiful and spendy. For those of us who crave an escape from the chaos of Vegas, you couldn't ask for better accommodations. Spacious and quiet, with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the mountains and the Wynn's almost freakishly green golf course, it's a welcome departure from the casino. Don the provided soft, cream-colored robe, grab a $5 Diet Coke from the mini-bar and enjoy a few minutes of relaxation.

Aside from the room, the Wynn offers lots of great amenities. The pool goes on forever, and was sectioned off with creative furniture, foliage and bridges that make it seem like you're there with just a few (not hundreds) of people. If you want to party and/or return home sans tan lines, check out the "European-style" (aka topless) pool.

Not a motorhead? The Penske-Wynn Ferrari-Maserati dealership might change your mind. A trip to the showroom will set you back a 10-spot, but just pay it. The joint is chockfull of the most insanely expensive cars in the world. Try sweet-talking someone into letting you test drive the 2008 Koenigsegg CCX, priced at over $1.2 million. Yeah, right.

If Ferraris and the Wynn's high-end everything pains your wallet, the Fashion Show Mall is just across the street. This shopping center includes a Zara and Starbuck's, one of the only places on the strip where a black coffee costs what it should, around $2.  The Wynn, 3131 Las Vegas Boulevard South, (702) 770-3340, www.thewynnlasvegas.com

Off the Strip: El Cortez Cabana Suites

Vegas used to be all about sizzlers, drive-thru wedding chapels, dinner shows and piano bars. The Strip has detonated most of the classic Vegas establishments for super casinos, but Old Vegas still exists downtown. The Freemont Street area is cheaper, kitschier and is home to one of the city's funkiest new hotels, El Cortez Cabana Suites.

Think a hotel that only sets you back about 40 bucks is outfitted in mauve floral bedspreads and cheap still-life artwork? Think again. The Cabana Suites is decked out in mid-century meets Miami décor, black and white with splashes of bright blues and greens. Rooms come with an iPod adapter, so don't forget to load up on the Sinatra and Elvis tunes so you can rock out Rat Pack-style.

If you're over The Strip, this is the perfect place to crash. You'll be within walking distance to Freemont Street, home lots of restaurants, bars and casinos. To keep with the swanky, retro theme, check out The Beauty Bar for classic cocktails followed by a sing-along at famed NYC-cum-Las Vegas piano bar, Don't Tell Mama.  El Cortez Cabana Suites, 651 East Ogden Avenue, (800) 634-6703, www.elcortezcabanasuites.com

Honorable Mentions:

For the High Roller:  Hugh Hefner Sky Villa at The Palms
A sprawling 10,000 square feet of rotating beds, mirrors on the ceiling, a gym, hot tub, sauna and infinity pool, this accommodation comes with a $40,000 price tag (Playmates, unfortunately, not included).  The Palms, 4321 West Flamingo Road, (702) 942-7777, www.palms.com 

For Adults Only: Hard Rock Las Vegas Hotel and Casino
It's off the strip, yet this homage to rock and roll is so cool, it's really a destination in its own right. Be warned: the Hard Rock isn't kid friendly. Rooms offer slanted mirrors on the headboards. Now, if that's not rock and roll, what is?

The Sunday Rehab pool party is legendary. Go for the wild festivities, but stay for the people watching.  Jersey Shore casting rejects flock to this weekly shindig, and there's no shortage of Ed Hardy hats, tiny bikinis, and bottles of Vueve Cliquot. By the end of the day, you'll be shocked at how much fun you had. Fist pump!  Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, 4455 Paradise Road, (800) 473-7625, www.hardrockhotel.com 

For the Kiddies:  Mandalay Bay
When it comes to hotels, kids don't care about the bedding. They don't care about the complimentary toiletries or late check-outs. For kids, it's all about the pool. The most fun pool award goes to Mandalay Bay. Sprawling over 11 acres, Manadalay Beach offers a wave pool, lazy river and three swimming pools. The icing on the cake? Dig your toes into 2,700 tons of real, honest to goodness sand.

When you're ready to de-prune the fingers, take a field trip to Mandalay Bay's Shark Reef. The Strip's motto might as well be "Go Big or Go Home," and this predator-based aquarium is no exception. Get acquainted with sharks, giant rays, piranha and rare golden crocodiles. Who knew Vegas could be so educational? Mandalay Bay, 3950 Las Vegas Boulevard South, (877) 632-7800, www.mandalaybay.com